Is it important for a mother to know that what her child thinks about her, yesterday when Ibraheem was reciting Quran and a thought came to my mind that what my child thinks about me, how he describes me in his mind.
To understand his feelings and also of other children I have to go back to past.
I know and keep this in my mind during writing that it's not a parents' responsibility to please their children or to satisfy them because parents should fulfill their responsibilities(and there might be some aspects their kids don't like)whether their children like those or not.
When I go to my past I perceive my father as a person who respects me, that's what I always feel about him.
But how I feel about my mother is a bit challenging for me to think about. I love her a lot, I remember that whenever she got sick, I cried a lot, anyhow I was "Master of crying", it was painful for me to see her in discomfort and also a fear of losing her. Many thoughts came to my mind during her illness.
But if someone would ask me that what I feel about her when I was young,definitely only I can ask this question to myself to get the genuine response. She was a person who's never pleased or happy with me. I can recalled many experiences, events when I did something and looked at her not for the praise, not for the approval only for a smile, a nod or a hug. But I always found expression less gestures, I was never assured of her satisfaction not up till now, I am 40 by the way.
If I would go back to my past and describe my parents I can say about my father as " a principle- centered person who is aware of strengths and weaknesses of all his children very well, he never shared those with anyone" but I am sure about the unconditional respect I received from him.
About my mother I always appreciate her skills, even I hadn't received from all she has. I tried to learn all skills more to please rather than to acquire these. But I am not sure whether she was pleased with me or not by her expressions or her words or her actions.
The purpose of digging the past is not to criticize my mother, or to find out flaws of her parenting but to analyze my own self as every woman received most of her mother's traits.
I recalled once I asked Zainab during my workshop preparation that what you want to listen from me, she said 'agar aap ye kahain ke main aap ko achhi lagti hoon' when I gave a response to her later on ' Zainab aap achi hain' she replied ' No I don't like to listen that but I like when you say, "mein aap ko achhi lagti hoon".
I was amazed that how little words made difference for others, especially if these OTHERS are your own kids.
Today I told Zainab and Ibraheem about their specific strengths and phrased it like, "Zainab mujhe aap ki ye baat acchi lagti Hai ke..." And same tried with Ibraheem and saw a little difference in their attitudes.
I personally think after this pondering what I have to change in my attitude is to be positive in my gestures, words and actions so that it would create impact on their personalities and also do some deliberate moves to realize my role better, otherwise I will be only their mother, not a mentor.
May Allah help me to change. Ameen.
Ayesha
Written on June 01, 2017
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